23 Sep 2005 18:08:53
Alistair Potts
Stupid Story

Apologies for the profanity, it's the mood I'm in.

So it's about ten years ago and I'm hanging around outside Goldie for
god-knows-what, I'm late, or early, or something, no-one's around, and
I'm really cold and bummed and out of the river comes this big fuck off
swan who's clearly cold too and starts swanking around like he owns the
towpath and he looks at me like he's saying come on then, come on.

And I'm really hungry and pissed off already at this swan and I'm
thinking since I was really young everyone says 'they can break your
arm, you know' and I look at this swan and think 'how the fuck could
you break an arm' because he's not all that big, he's not Jackie Chan,
and with what? his wings are strong but not exactly karate choppers and
anyway he's not stupid enough to risk them and anyway now he's hissing
at me and fluffing himself up like he's the man.

So now I start taking the piss and he flaps his wings and I wave my arms
like I'm a sarcastic swan and start telling him Oh yeah you think you're
cool with your big beak and your fluffy feathers ooooh you can chase
ducks big deal you're just a satin-finish midget emu.

And we're like circling each other I'm doing a crazy swan-chicken dance
and he's getting really big with his wings and standing on his
tippy-toes and I'm saying oooh my arms my arms what will I do when
you've eaten them and he's hissing like a kettle.

And then the fucker bites me! Right on the hand. Ow. It really hurts.
And the crazy swan is now not looking at me but looking like a kid when
you spin round after they've chucked something at you, he's like what
me? And I'm like jeezus you bit me you big fucking gaylord. He he says
yeah talk to my big fuck off black foot because the beak ain't listening.

That's what happened, just like it was.










23 Sep 2005 19:14:32
Sarah Farquhar
Re: Stupid Story

Alistair Potts wrote:
> Apologies for the profanity, it's the mood I'm in.
>
> So it's about ten years ago and I'm hanging around outside Goldie for
> god-knows-what, I'm late, or early, or something, no-one's around, and
> I'm really cold and bummed and out of the river comes this big fuck off
> swan who's clearly cold too and starts swanking around like he owns the
> towpath and he looks at me like he's saying come on then, come on.
>
> And I'm really hungry and pissed off already at this swan and I'm
> thinking since I was really young everyone says 'they can break your
> arm, you know' and I look at this swan and think 'how the fuck could
> you break an arm' because he's not all that big, he's not Jackie Chan,
> and with what? his wings are strong but not exactly karate choppers and
> anyway he's not stupid enough to risk them and anyway now he's hissing
> at me and fluffing himself up like he's the man.
>
> So now I start taking the piss and he flaps his wings and I wave my arms
> like I'm a sarcastic swan and start telling him Oh yeah you think you're
> cool with your big beak and your fluffy feathers ooooh you can chase
> ducks big deal you're just a satin-finish midget emu.
>
> And we're like circling each other I'm doing a crazy swan-chicken dance
> and he's getting really big with his wings and standing on his
> tippy-toes and I'm saying oooh my arms my arms what will I do when
> you've eaten them and he's hissing like a kettle.
>
> And then the fucker bites me! Right on the hand. Ow. It really hurts.
> And the crazy swan is now not looking at me but looking like a kid when
> you spin round after they've chucked something at you, he's like what
> me? And I'm like jeezus you bit me you big fucking gaylord. He he says
> yeah talk to my big fuck off black foot because the beak ain't listening.
>
> That's what happened, just like it was.
>
>

Yeah they're nasty those Cam swans...


23 Sep 2005 23:19:27
liz
Re: Stupid Story

you should hear the story the swan tells...

"So it's about ten years ago and I'm swimming around outside Goldie looking
for some bread or something, no-one's around, and I'm really cold and
bummed and down the towpath comes this small fuck off human who's clearly
cold too so I get out of the river to see if he has any bread and next thing
he starts coming on to me with some weird chicken dance... so I bit the
bastard... tasted like chicken..."




>> towpath and he looks at me like he's saying come on then, come on.
"Sarah Farquhar" <saf28@cam.ac.uk > wrote in message
news:suYYe.14856$st1.1619@newsfe3-gui.ntli.net...
> Alistair Potts wrote:
>> Apologies for the profanity, it's the mood I'm in.
>>
>> So it's about ten years ago and I'm hanging around outside Goldie for
>> god-knows-what, I'm late, or early, or something, no-one's around, and
>> I'm really cold and bummed and out of the river comes this big fuck off
>> swan who's clearly cold too and starts swanking around like he owns the
>> towpath and he looks at me like he's saying come on then, come on.
>>
>> And I'm really hungry and pissed off already at this swan and I'm
>> thinking since I was really young everyone says 'they can break your arm,
>> you know' and I look at this swan and think 'how the fuck could you
>> break an arm' because he's not all that big, he's not Jackie Chan, and
>> with what? his wings are strong but not exactly karate choppers and
>> anyway he's not stupid enough to risk them and anyway now he's hissing at
>> me and fluffing himself up like he's the man.
>>
>> So now I start taking the piss and he flaps his wings and I wave my arms
>> like I'm a sarcastic swan and start telling him Oh yeah you think you're
>> cool with your big beak and your fluffy feathers ooooh you can chase
>> ducks big deal you're just a satin-finish midget emu.
>>
>> And we're like circling each other I'm doing a crazy swan-chicken dance
>> and he's getting really big with his wings and standing on his tippy-toes
>> and I'm saying oooh my arms my arms what will I do when you've eaten them
>> and he's hissing like a kettle.
>>
>> And then the fucker bites me! Right on the hand. Ow. It really hurts. And
>> the crazy swan is now not looking at me but looking like a kid when you
>> spin round after they've chucked something at you, he's like what me? And
>> I'm like jeezus you bit me you big fucking gaylord. He he says yeah talk
>> to my big fuck off black foot because the beak ain't listening.
>>
>> That's what happened, just like it was.
>>
>>
>
> Yeah they're nasty those Cam swans...




24 Sep 2005 19:33:46
Nick Suess
Re: Stupid Story


"Sarah Farquhar" <saf28@cam.ac.uk > wrote in message
news:suYYe.14856$st1.1619@newsfe3-gui.ntli.net...
>
> Yeah they're nasty those Cam swans...

Don't wish to be racist, but our swans regard them as just white trash!




24 Sep 2005 18:22:42
Henry Law
Re: Stupid Story

liz wrote:
> you should hear the story the swan tells...

BLIHAD

(Best Laugh I've Had All Day. Don't worry; I just invented it)


25 Sep 2005 17:28:07
donal.casey@gmail.com
Re: Stupid Story

At kingston there are 2 bridges..railway and road...250 metres apart.

Early one morning sculling .. I passed 3 swans. unusually I didnt even
hit or provoke them... I went through both bridges and they flapped low
with wings touching the water following me from 400m distant....wings
touching in formation...they came out of the road bridge and soared up
into the sky dropping some huge ... er.. bombs which fortunately
splashed close to the boat but could have been rather unpleasant. They
then flew off squawking in some zany mad swan laughter...

Donal



27 Sep 2005 23:51:15
Re: Stupid Story


donal.casey@gmail.com wrote:
>> At kingston there are 2 bridges...

In Bedford (UK) there are a number of bridges, but this story concerns
the Suspension Bridge, a metal arch with vertical lattice beams and
10-20ft of vertical clearance above the water.

Out sculling one Saturday morning, as I was approaching the bridge I
saw a swan starting its takeoff behind me. Projected swan trajectory
was directly overhead. We would shoot the bridge together, swan flying
upwards, me surging onwards. (Poetic license from 10 years distance).

Anyway, I pass under the bridge and look up for the swan. Strangely, I
am all alone, save for single white feather spiralling downwards in an
unhurried manner.

All sorts of honking and swan cussing from up above though. Seems the
swan was busy thinking his own poetic thoughts and forgot to check his
flight plan. Stupid bird crashed straight into the latice work and
landed on the walkway. After shaking himself off, and looking around
sheepishly to see if anyone had noticed, he leapt up and over the
railing to continue his takeoff.

I still laugh to think of the way he shook his head, as if to say "I
can't believe I just did that."



29 Sep 2005 07:13:16
donal.casey@gmail.com
Re: Stupid Story

Not a swan but a bridge...

Justice perhaps in some peoples eyes and something that any motor boat
lurkers of rsr would probably wish to not view out of respect to their
wash creating fellows.

At IC in 1988 we and london and thames and god knows who else were
enjoying the normal saturday morning activities when plonkers in
speedboat went blasting down the river at Putney. Washing everyone
down. Probably 35mph + . Quite impressive and ludicrous.

Anyway off they blatted into the blue yonder.

The tide was on the ebb but still high....and off they
blast....hammersmith... chiswick,,, richmond...towards Teddington no
doubt ...but ..oh...is there not a half lock at Richmond?

Anyway whereas any death is sad I dont think there were many tears shed
at the time. The boat powered into the boom which must have been around
6 inches to a foot under water. Ripped out the motor. Catapulted the
occupants out of the boat. 3 survived. They found the driver a couple
of days later. Apparently he had been sent vertically into the steel
trellis of the bridge above and did not have the luck of the Bedford
swan.

Donal